Author Archives: stablewomen

Wally hugs me with his neck tonight and pulls his grass hay out of the feeder, then pees on it. One act is so endearing, the other, exasperating! While pulling tarps from the hay stack to prepare supper, I, for what seems like the hundredth time, hit my injured finger with a cinder block. The blocks are needed to keep tarps in place during the wind. Here, we don’t wonder if it will blow – we assume it will.

So I handle the blocks four times a day and each day re-injure my “flipping off” finger on my left hand. Now, as swollen as it has become, it has become an easy target. But I also work on healing it every night. I’m kinda good at healing things. It’s a good thing – I’m also kinda proficient at self inflicting not only physical injuries but adding mental anguish to my plate as well. I’m human.

Partially shivering from the descending cold winter air that is making its way down the mountain tonight and partially sweating from the wool socks and neck gaiter which need to be removed soon, I listen to the furnace pushing hot air down the ducts to this office floor vent. Last month, I rolled my chair over the vent and it shattered, the chair whipping me backwards and throwing itself sideways like some bronc from my youth intent upon dumping me. It succeeded. I was briefly stuck between a small file cabinet and the opening to the closet. It was just like the time the hay hook let loose while I was heaving a 150 pound bale of hay to the back of the barn and I fell onto a concrete support, hip first. These, I consider my bone density tests – which I keep passing with flying colors (or flying body)…

It is something about being a full time horse person. Also probably similar to doing roller derby. I have a friend who rides in Eventing and does roller derby. She would have the most accurate perspective! I also see the posts of her bruises regularly. They are truly impressive.

What makes us push on with these tasks and passions that bring body blows and joint torking with no “rational” reward? I think we are fighters. Not in so much an aggressive way, but as committed followers of our own spirits.

My Mum always told me to, “Follow your Spirit without hesitation”. And I always have. Consequences be damned if I needed hay for my horses, to get an old truck across the country or felt an energetic draw to an improbable relationship or unwanted equine. So, the self inflicted battering would begin – in one form or another.

And here is why I “pass” those bone density tests and hop up after being dumped by an office chair bronc – I keep working, keep pushing, keep the body moving. If we over-protect ourselves, the surprise event, slip or crash will actually cause a deeper injury. The body that struggles is the body that prevails… something like that.

So, when I really do not want to muck pens, tighten fences, drag railroad ties around or load hay, I remind myself that my strength and my good health depend upon those very things. I hop up and do them… gratefully.

New Mexico is all frozen today. Lots of time for retrospection, especially since it is New Year’s Eve here! I spent a couple of hours this morning at the Moongate Cafe’ drinking hot tea and eating bean tacos as the frosty mountains were enveloped in fog… watching from the Cafe’ window, bitter wind slamming the walls.

I met two friends there who are ex’s of mine – two nice men who are friends with each other (were not before me) and remain friends with me. I never have thought of this as odd, at least not until some peeps made odd faces about it. I believe that when you know good people, they are still good people even if a planned relationship fails in one respect. I like having someone to visit with over hot drinks on a mind numbing, cold day. I go to the Moongate alone, too. I do most things in my life alone.

So, I was thinking about family. Another friend had mentioned families the other day and I realized that mine is huge in one respect (and very small if measured by “blood”) – my “online” family and my “tribe” of clients and friends here at Dharmahorse. I do not think I could have made it through the year without my beloved friends, my family of friends. With social media, I could keep those who care about me informed as to my situations. Then, their words of comfort and things as simple as posting a heart or a smile would let me know they knew that I existed… they cared that I existed.

This morning, I posted a few lines on Facebook about struggling to feed horses and breaking ice on the water tubs. Friends have commented about their own struggles with brutal weather, which helped me feel less lonely. Friends also comment about beautiful weather which helps me know that seasons change and hope lingers.

As I lost beloved, elderly pets; tried to save a starved beyond recovery horse; worked to care for my Mum until she passed over, friends all over the world “held my hand” and “held my heart” and helped me feel strong. And, when I see that a friend is hurting, whether I have “met” them or not, I can hold them in love and light and tell them so!

I have said that my life is an “open book” – and it is thanks to the internet. There are mixed blessings in this fact. But, I have nothing to hide or apologize for in any large way, so I’m comfortable with it all… most of the time. I am so glad to be able to sit here today in my office and read what others have to say. I can express myself in multiple fashions and share myself with those who want to know me. And I listen to those who wish to share. For many of us, I suspect this is a way to feel less isolated when the weather forces us indoors and inside our own minds and feelings.

I walk a line – on a line, one of balancing priorities as an instructor, caretaker, trainer, healer and artist. I keep so many plates spinning that I do not know how to let them wind down and me relax. So, I have people I can communicate with day in and day out who are in the same energy and some who know the way to relax. I pay attention. I also offer up all that I learn along the way.

I am grateful today as 2014 winds down (goodbye to it! I’m glad to see it end) and possibilities are opening up for us all. 2015 just must be a better year. I can feel it! But, my love goes out to everyone who touched my life this past year. We were all in it together, you know! We got through together. We have each other! Love fills my well of experiences. If I hurt anyone, I sincerely apologize. If I helped anyone, I was useful and am so glad to have been.

I won’t stop caring and I won’t stop sharing. We are always “breaking the ice” with each other – smash through the hard stuff, decimate the static and unyielding! Uncover the flowing, soft and gentle underneath parts of life and of ourselves to become the vulnerable, genuinely good human beings we are. Smile.

That’s the question I’m asking myself today as I work outside in the cold, take breaks indoors with hot tea then return to muck and work the horses. When I was in my 20’s, I would think nothing of tacking up a horse and riding out on our 40 acres, even going through the gate and heading out across country between Tucumcari mountain and Saddleback mountain – in a snow storm.

As a teenager, I let my hair freeze on my head after a shower, in too much of a hurry to get to my friends or my classes or the horses. In my late 20’s, I rode a Harley as my only transportation (besides a giant horse van) in Boulder Colorado in the winter… I know that “there’s no such thing as bad weather, just inappropriate clothing”, but, Crikey, I don’t think I’m as tough as I used to be.

Or, perhaps, I’ve gained some wisdom and am more protective of my own body and well being. Yet, I never got sick, never got frostbite, never got lost (horses know the way back home) and never regretted any of my adventures. Of course, my upcoming awesome adventure is to somewhere WARM! Hawaii… a sign of wisdom, n’est-ce pas?

I will choose to think I’m just wiser now (wink), although, in other ways, I certainly do not appear to be! Life is strange. Life is wonderful.

I was at a party at Christmas time and a man I was talking with asked me if I always remembered when someone was critical of me and rarely remembered compliments. Hmmm, how did he guess that? He’d had a good amount of wine and, as he was a consultant for businesses and well respected, I weighed the wine/wisdom thing and decided that I probably did need to reverse my choices to recall. But why he chose to say it to me bobbed around inside my head all evening. Was I that self deprecating in casual conversation? Could it be a question asked by him of every peep with which he mingled in social situations? That was likely. Just by some law of averages, it would likely be an appropriately thought provoking topic for most (especially women, I dare say).

Life rolled on and I actually took to heart my realization, provoked as it was, and allowed criticisms that stepped beyond constructive to slip unceremoniously through my outstretched fingers. Adios.

I dismissed complements as well. Until I paid attention to my own desire to praise others and the base of love from which it grew. If we point out to others the wonderful things they have, do and become, we improve the world. The “others” will endeavor to continue having, doing and becoming that which is wonderful. We can put ourselves in each others’ “places” and see through empathetic eyes.

I think about odd things a lot… I used to have extremely long hair. It was heavy. It kept me warm in the winter. When I look at horses with extremely long, thick manes, my first thought is about the weight carried on one side of the neck! I can empathetically imagine how the horse’s neck must change to hold itself in alignment while being constantly pulled to one side. I truly wonder if the horses with giant manes hurt from the forever downward pull.

I cut my hair really short last spring because the wind was whipping it into knots and slicing it across my face even when braided or banded. I was so hot underneath the hair that I just held it up above my head and cut across it… then had to get professional help. I now am growing back my personal “mane” and incorporating strands of my Majic, my sacred white horse’s tail into my strands.

I look at my hands now after dropping a stone onto one again tonight untarping hay and working lately in bitter cold without gloves (I lose dexterity…). My hands are really old. Crikey, they have worked so hard! I noticed how my Mum’s hands at 86 were younger looking than mine at 58… and I remember meeting a student’s husband many years ago whose hands were like porcelain and his nails manicured to perfection. It gave me the shivers. He also remarked about how he hated driving to work because he had to go past the east mesa (where I lived & now live again) where all the “trailer trash” lived… I lived in a mobile home then and live in one now. And back then he knew where and in what I lived. At that time, I entertained the notion of challenging him to arm wrestling or just grabbing him by the thumbs and twisting. Of course, I did neither.

Tonight, I rub arnica gel into my bruises and practice playing my guitar all the while recognizing that this guitar practice is increasing the dexterity of my hands. Big smile.

What goes on inside the heads of people who deliberately hurt others? I’m thinking about the hurt caused by words and attitudes (or even the lack of words) rather than physical assaults… I wonder if people full of pain think that by unloading pain onto others they can lighten their loads? The truth is, what they accomplish is the Karmic equivalent of paddle ball (remember those? I spent a lot of time putting arnica on my face…). I have shoved my foot into my mouth a couple of times recently, but they were innocent mistakes and I felt awful after I realized, each time, what I had said. Yet, I likely did cause some harm.

So I guess the big question is about intention. And the big answer is about what was intended. That road to hell thing…

Only the individual knows what was intended. I’ve seen enough passive-aggressive behavior in my adulthood to write a book. Animals, on the other hand, never get snarky, abusive or off-handed in their intentions. Animals are always real, always honest. We may not always like what we hear from an animal, but it will never be veiled in cruel or ulterior motives.

I settle in this Christmas night with my always honest dogs and listen to my noble horses banging their feed tubs around in the dark. They are clearly searching for scraps of hay they themselves shoved out of the feeders earlier… I have one gelding (Grits) whose feeder is always on its side when I bring the hay for breakfast and for supper. I stand by his pen with his hay and say, “turn it right” and he pushes it upright with his muzzle. He amazes and scares me a little (what else does he comprehend!). This is a good life. My intentions are always good. My outcomes may not always be, but I have never meant to hurt a single soul nor cause anyone discomfort.

It is Christmas Eve – I simply had to get groceries for my brother, the dogs and myself. So I braved going into the city and survived rather well, returning with most of what I set out to find at the Natural Grocer, Better Life and (sigh, I have to for some things) WalMart. It was a circus. So I decided to try to enjoy the show.

As I drove around, I decided to push my boundaries today and listen to Counting Crows. You see, I had stopped listening to them for personal reasons… and they were one of my favorite bands because of a few select songs. I couldn’t bear to hear one song in paritcular and it was sad because it was a very favorite. Yet, if I heard it start on my MP3 player or the radio, I was quick to shift to something else. Silly girl. I let emotions change something within me.

The reason for the CC glitch inside of me does not matter here – the reason for my inability to drink my favorite tea (Darjeeling) is something I can share without affecting anyone else. I bought an Arabian colt and named him Darjeeling. This was years ago. I raised him, started him under saddle, planned to leave him a stallion, but I moved with him to work in EAP. I gelded him and adored him and planned to keep him forever.

I ended up in southern Arizona and ended up homeless briefly with Darjeeling and my older gelding, Dorje’, at friends’ at the organic herb farm commune. I moved into the pasture with my horses. I had awesome experiences with the most wonderful people and unbelievable place and when my Mum in New Mexico was having trouble, I returned here to help her heal. I gave my Darj and Dorje’ to the people I loved so much. My horses, now their horses, lived on hundreds of acres of pasture in a beloved herd – I “did good”!!

But, my favorite tea became too difficult to drink. I missed Darjeeling so much. But, the boys were together; Darj (place of the thunderbolt), Dorje’ (the Thunderbolt!).

Today, in the city, I bought a box of Darjeeling tea.

Tonight, I will have hot tea. I will listen some more to August and Everything (I just turned it on) – I will no longer let things take away what I love just because I feel pain or sorrow…….. “Round Here, we always stand up straight, Round Here, something radiates”… I think I keep healing 🙂

I’m getting braver. I can feel it. And I love Darjeeling so much. And I will try to understand all that has happened. (Dorje’ passed over last year, in his 30’s)… and I still love….

I got home from a nice supper in the city and pulled on my very cold pajamas (Yoga clothes, actually), shivering for sure. For a moment I thought, “I could put them in the clothes dryer for a minute…”, but body heat worked quickly!

It reminded me of a Mom and daughter I taught at White Sands Missile Range way back when they had stables for residents. This family had two nice horses and, when it was bitter cold, the Mom would put the horse blankets in the clothes dryer to warm them up! Then they drove quickly (the 2 blocks) to their barn. The horses were pampered and they loved it. I admired the love the family expressed for all of their animals. Wow… thinking about them touches my heart again.

And tonight I pulled Wally’s blanket (not from the dryer, I’m sad to say) on him before I left; last night we rugged Dream Cat after she taught a lesson right before dark. It’s a balancing act determining when to cover a horse. I use my instincts and my own feeling about the temperature, wind and/or precipitation. In my house now, the furnace has the dogs and me all cozy finally.

I ate rich food I’m not used to, so I ate papaya tablets. I was out in public, so I took some osha root tincture and sprayed colloidal silver “up” my nose. I’ll take some vitamin C before bed, and magnesium. Staying healthy is a process. And getting warm now feels extra nice.

It’s funny, though, how quickly the cold starts seeping into the house after the furnace kicks off… and how soon it has to kick on again to maintain the 68 degrees I set. I had an architect friend design how to do a “straw bale wrap” on my little ground set mobile home. THAT would make a humongous difference. That would be a humongous project!

So, tonight I cozy up with the dogs. I had some nice wine and feel sleepy, especially as I get warmer. I think about how wonderful it must feel for horses whose people cherish them so much that they warm their blankets before putting them on. That’s love.

It’s Winter Solstice here on the northern hemisphere.

We will begin having gradually longer days, shorter nights as we roll toward summer. I have to admit, I am looking forward to warmer days. I know, I know, I live in a temperate area and should never complain… and I’m not so much complaining as just giving a sigh of relief that the days will get longer now. Gradually…

The long nights and short days mean that students in school cannot have late afternoon lessons. Everything gets piled up onto the weekend. I have enough horses to do a lot of lessons without stressing them on Saturday and Sunday – but there is only one of me.

An indoor, lighted arena would be a solution. I am lucky to have the funky roofs and windbreaks I built that my horses call shelters. I am not complaining. They are sheltered. Yet, I end this year of 2014 wondering what to put on my vision board. Do I want the 10 acres beside me? (YES, I do, but that would be a monstrous amount of work to fence and set up!)… Do I want an apprentice? (YES, but I would rather have a partner)… Do I want to win the lottery? (of course)

Tonight, I will sit on the Earth and contemplate the past year – and it was a whopper… in terms of emotional, physical, mental and soul challenges. Crikey! I got through it mostly intact!

In a little bit, my brother and I will head up the mountain to release our Mum’s ashes. We chose this auspicious day. I hope I have the courage to see it through.

I know so many people that I care about who have faced challenging stuff this past year. I sure hope we can all have a lighter, happier 2015! I like the quote, “Just show up, be kind, be brave, rest, try again” (don’t know who said it), it has been my mantra for a while now! It is written on the side of my tack room.

Here is my vision from this past summer.

Warmth will return again, in our world, in our hearts. And, in some incredible stroke of brilliance, I get to go to Hawaii next month. I know, I know, how incredible is THAT! My cousin is making this possible. I know it will heal me. My tribe of students and families will care for the stable and I know my horses will be safe and loved. What an awesome start to 2015 for me… my gratitude flag is flying.

So, Just show up, be kind, be brave, rest, try again Happy Solstice everyone.

It is so interesting to me how my heart is able to embrace so many beings and feel profound joy, sadness and passion all at once sometimes. I had an experience yesterday in which I found the best of myself again thanks to a group of people and horses and one remarkable man, all of whom I now love totally and without reservation.

I told my brother that it all felt as if I was from Neptune, living on Mars, and a group of beings from Neptune came to visit.

There are many photographs on https://www.facebook.com/Dharmahorse of the one day I spent with this group bound for Florida from California – driving horses with wagons that are wheelchair accessible! You see, this touched me specifically, deeply because my Grandfather Hodel lost his leg at the hip as a 10 year old boy. He built a newspaper corporation back east and took care of his family of 3 sons and 1 daughter all on his own with great strength and courage. His story is remarkable. He dug a garden by hopping onto a shovel with his one leg; he walked his whole life with crutches, even on icy streets… even on glaciers in Europe…

I fell through a window when I was 13 years old and severed all the nerves, tendons and blood vessels at my wrist – I have often, in a small sense, felt that sinking “can I do this?” feeling when faced with something as simple as carrying a tray of drinks across a room. And sometimes, well, often, I dropped things.

So, yesterday, I met a man who has the courage, love, strength and vision that my grandfather must have had! Michael’s vision is manifest in a program that allows people with disabilities to ride, in wagons, behind beautiful horses through Nature – healing and bringing joy to SO many. What an awesome thing!

I also met a man with 9 children and 9 Friesian horses brought from Europe for the Caravan across the country! I met women with Morgan horses and miniature horses, a couple with a Gypsy wagon and Percherons, a farrier with her mule, a man I just adored in a long coat and Aussie hat who said that he “was mean to everyone” and laughed all the time and was never mean and brought me an extra sweat shirt when we headed out driving to the river and the weather turned bitter cold and rainy. I met a man and spoke to his wife in Canada who teach barefoot horse care and loving horses… I had the best day ever.

So, I fell in love with a group of people and horses who felt like family. And now, they leave… on their special journey. So far this year, a lot of beings I love/loved have “left”. I don’t know what I am being taught here – I’ve cried a LOT lately. Yet, I have been saved by the compassionate Veterinarian who came to ease my little 21 year old dog’s passing. Saved by (I suspect a wild sort of man) a person I loved who was there for me while my mother was fading before her passing… sadly, I love wild men (wink). He disappeared. Two horses I knew and loved passed over. Dogs of friends… dogs I also loved… what a strange year. Of course, my mother’s death has been the most difficult loss. Still, I have this amazing life. I sure appreciate my horses, my dogs and my friends.

And I will keep falling in love. And continue to love all those I’ve “fallen” for 🙂

My cousin is making it possible to visit him next month in Hawaii. He has no idea how much this means to me. And I know, I’ll cry when I am the one who leaves Hawaii! But, the saddest thing, I think, would be to never love at all and never cry from the pain and passion that love ignites. So, my thanks go out to everyone who has caused a tear to roll down my face. It’s always worth it.

There is an old Tom Baker episode of Doctor Who where the people on a grounded space ship keep replacing parts over and over and say that “we just must remain patient” and the Doctor says, “too much patience gets you nowhere”… he knows that the ship, sitting for years, is capable of flight.

I’ve thought about that the past few months. I used to be sort of famous for being patient. I could work with students others could not, work with horses others did not want to handle, stand in long lines telling myself that I was being protected from something. My practices of meditation and Yoga were sources, I believed, of my patience.

Enter, into my life, a long series of disappointments, tragedies and a big chunk of confusion over these past few months and the patience flag becomes one of surrender – white and waving frantically at the back of my consciousness like a beacon screaming, “I give up, I need to rest, I don’t understand”. I feel like I need to be patient a little longer and then everything will magically explain itself and I will nod in understanding like some Katharine fashioned bobble head.

Nope. No more. The ship is capable of flight. This captain is ready to fight her way out of the miasma of doubt and second guessing that grounded the whole thing in the first place. My will be done. My life, my dreams.

It’s time to leap forward. I did a lot of: it needs to perfect, I need to get it right before I publish it, use it, change it – and now I just need to get things done. We were working on collected trot in a lesson today. My student had to send her horse “forward, forward, upward, upward” I kept “chanting” to her. And, “Dance, dance lower back” to get the suspension of stride and elegance of a dance with lightness. They did it. Horse and rider were truly lovely. Forward, Upward. That’s the way to collect ones life and dreams and dance with them.

I had a friend, years ago, who criticized everything I did. I drank a soft drink – “Gotta have that sugar, don’t you!”; I gave her shower gel for her birthday (it said, in French “douche”) – “Oh I don’t douche” as she handed the gift back to me… really!? I said that it was French for shower… I stayed patient too long while being rudely treated where it was never deserved. There could never have been a close friendship there – too much patience got me nowhere.

So, nope. No more. This ship is capable of flight! When I start to mount a horse, I make certain his legs, his hooves are standing squarely and he is ready to have my weight swing aboard. This is properly applied patience. If the horse does not want to stand quietly, I just have him make small circles around me, walking, until he wants to stop. Then I try to mount again. I will continue to send him on tiny circles when he refuses to stand until he finally relaxes and decides that standing for me is much easier than going ’round and ’round. I remain patient. I teach him to be patient. Sometimes, it is very appropriate. The potential beneficial outcome is well worth the waiting.

Some things, though, are not going to turn out lovely enough to balance the effort or agony involved in getting to them. I have simply got to get this through my head and hone my intuition to better sense the varied outcomes in all the relationships and situations I face. Information makes that easier. Vacuums tend to elicit either anger or submission.

So, nope. No more. My ship is capable of flight. I will have infinite patience with a new, beginning rider. I will have infinite patience for a frightened student or horse. I will be patient with myself learning to play the guitar and the didgeridoos. I will have no patience for anyone who hurts an animal, a person or me (physically or emotionally). I will always be an “open book” in this world. I will newly protect my deepest core while remaining honest and open as well. It can be done.

So all I am saying tonight is that we all must weigh each situation and choose just how long we can put up with something or go without something before we say, “Enough!” – and just fly our ship on down to the next adventure. Too much patience can get you nowhere. The ship is capable of flight.

I’ve heard that so often. In the cafe’, others at a table talking about a colt or a pony another has for sale. At the feed store, looking at flyers on the bulletin board… over and over, the idea of “breaking” a horse remains the standard description of a mount brought into utilitarian service through a process of demeaning and deleting his own sense of self preservation and self worth. Of course, I live in the southwestern USA and old habits die hard here. So do old expressions.

I use terms like “gentle” (I gentled him myself), “schooled”, brought him along, started under saddle – I have a list of less aggressive and less demoralizing labels. But… broken can be the more accurate definition of what some humans have done to some horses. It is even descriptive of what some people do to other people. Where does this need for subjugation come from!?

I really believe it is ego based and fueled by fear. If one is attracted to the idea of subduing a 1200 pound, flight based animal, one might just have a rude awakening with the initial encounter. The person who steps into horsemanship to “master the beast” will be shocked by the independent, noble, quick moving equine whose true nature is cooperation and curiosity. This person will feel frightened by the extensive wisdom, almost telepathic insight and soul shaking beauty of the horse.

That fear will challenge one and the deep insecurities that rise to the surface will either bring a change of focus – to see through different eyes – or will create a monster determined to extinguish the light shining before him. Ego feels threatened by anything it cannot understand, control or dismiss.

When I overhear a conversation or read a flyer and wonder about the “broke” status proclaimed for an equine… I have to wonder whose job it will become to eventually “fix” the horse… so often, on a small scale, it has been mine.