Author Archives: stablewomen

By the life skills equivalent to baling wire and duct tape, I am holding this place together. I write, occasionally sell a painting and give daily riding and horsemanship lessons. I trade lessons for part of our hay needs. I trade tack and tools for hoof care when I can’t keep up with it myself. I do my own Vet work as well as the hoof trimming. I am the captain of this ship. My brother says that a lot about me.

I’ve added filling out forms for Medicare and Medicaid, scheduling doctor and hospital appointments, juggling payments to over a dozen medical providers and the making of my own toiletries to my repertoire. I must tell you, after my “used for decades” crystal deodorant became irritating to my underarms, I found that pure zinc oxide not only healed them but is a deodorant as well and adding patchouli oil made it even better.

With a band of parents-of-students and caring individuals covering for me when there were 40 hours of tasks to be done in 4 hours – I have seen the best of people. We are a tribe. A love based group supporting each other in ways I could not have predicted.

Every business coach has told me to make a 6 month plan, 5 year plan, 10 year plan… Crikey, I can’t think about 10 days in the future. I am surely not a businesswoman. Yet, a friend told me that my life was chaos, but she said that I handle chaos quite well. Hmmm… a compliment, I think (meant as one I know), but I would like to try handling overwhelming quiet and napping and traveling about the countryside. Probably not to be for captains.

This has been a day of writing (and power outages, with unsaved docs to be rewritten later), a day of reflection and contemplation. I am alone. There are 7 horses and 3 dogs in my life… and a brother whom I see briefly in the evenings before he retires to his house across the stable yard. Students come (today there are no lessons) most days and I talk with some friends now and then. But, I am on my own in the grand scheme of “holding it all together”.

I have a friend who speaks of “cut and run” when someone decides to move and start over… I’ve thought about it. I don’t have that option. I’m the captain. I’ve built this ship from nothing and she sails brilliantly, if modestly, into the world of compassionate horse and human relationships. I have envied those who stand with a partner or a spouse and share the command of their ship – the responsibilities and the authority. But my lot has been as the sole commander through most of my life. And it started at a very young age.

My mother will return to us and her home here in a matter of weeks. I do not know what duties that will include for me again. I know that I will do the best I can. I remind myself of bucket baths when I lived in the shack, of hauling my own sewage across 2 acres when I worked in EAP, of being homeless, of living in a pasture with my horses and pooping in a bucket of leaves… things have been a lot worse! I love my little home and I love my life. The one thing I can be in charge of personally is my own state of mind. I find that music is a huge factor for me. What I listen to day in, day out can influence how I feel and how I relate to this world around me.

I don’t give up. I think there may be an indoor arena or a Jaguar or an incredible life partner in my future – and that’s not crazy because, in actuality – I have had those in my past! I have been the captain of a multi-faceted, ever morphing ship that confuses the willies out of me most days and keeps me believing that everything is possible. Onward…..

You would think I could learn this lesson. I look at hay that costs $3, $4 even $5 less per bale… it looks good, smells sweet (but I catch a wiff of dust…). The bales are heavy and all seems good. With 7 horses to feed, I feel like I need to buy the hay where I get more for my money. At home: I unload and stack it, feeling like I got a bargain. Then I feed it and the bit of dust becomes a small cloud… later, I see clods of dirt in the feeders. I bought dirt. With the hay, I bought dirt. It doesn’t hurt the horses, I feed extra bran and flaxseed meal mashes to keep everything moving (and there go the $$ savings)… Or, I am on the other side of the city, need to keep moving, so I buy some hay from a different feed store. At home, the big bale of Bermuda turns into fluff when I pop the twine. I spend days of feeding it cursing and wadding it onto the rug I carry it with using my hands and my feet. I do have a constant source of alfalfa from my friend who farms it, so the horses have consistency there each day. But, I just seem to leave my senses behind when I have to get grass hay and am pressed for time or money. I have one feed store where the grass hay is always clean, comes off in proper flakes, smells great and costs a chunk more. You know what, we get what we pay for!

Years ago, a student and dear friend was going on a trip to China. She wanted to surprise her husband by being able to eat with chopsticks… So, we would have lunch together at different cafe’s and bring our chopsticks. The first time, as I sat across the table from her and pulled my sticks from my purse, I had a brain fart and could not show her how to hold them. The more you think about something, the less tangible or memorable it becomes, I think.

After just starting to eat and visit with her, I could then stop, hold my chopsticks and show her just what I was doing. These lunches served her well and she became proficient. I found my hand cramping from the effort and soon was back to forks and spoons.

What I gleaned from the experience was how a person can be an accomplished rider but not be able to teach (or even train, maybe) horsemanship. The doing of something and the ability to educate just may not go together naturally. I think the teaching comes from the deep ability to empathize with both the students and the horses. Way beyond the attempt to teach chopstick handling – the education of a rider depends upon the instructor’s full spectrum knowledge and ability to communicate immediately and clearly as if translating between horse and rider.

Sometimes, the best thing we can do within any communication, is to pause and let things unfold naturally so that we can observe what is actually going on and understand how to influence it or decide to just allow it to be, as I had to do with the chopsticks. After my hand recovered, I could use them again quite properly.

When I was 10 years old, living in El Paso, Texas, I used to watch a kid’s program after school on the television… the host rode in on a horse. That made it quite important to get home and get the TV on quickly. One day, the host announced an art contest. Draw or paint a clown (there was a new host joining him who was a clown) and win a special prize.

I didn’t even know what the prize would be, but I had drawn and painted since I was 3 years old. The story was told that I tried to look at ants with a magnifying glass at age 3. The ants were moving too much, so I drew a bunch of ants and looked at them through the glass…

Hopeful for some equine related prize, I painted a clown. And, from thousands of entries, I WON the contest! Still not knowing what I had won, I, along with my family, was a guest at a circus and we were on TV… then, I was awarded my prize. It was a purple unicycle. A purple unicycle.………

I spent a few weeks trying to ride it. I decided I hated purple (which included all the bruises) and sold the unicycle to a neighbor boy. The twenty dollars I got for it paid for 2 riding lessons at Upper Valley Stable where I spent every weekend anyway. I learned to love purple again after a couple of decades. It was actually a cool lesson for me, looking back on how it all felt. I had the elation of winning with something created by my own young hands. I had the sharp sting of reality with a gift I could not enjoy but found a way to turn it into something I did want. And, now seeing how my life unfolds, I was being prepared for the sublime strangeness that is my world.

I wouldn’t have it any other way. Never a dull moment could be my mantra and surprises wait around every turn. When life hands you a unicycle, turn it into riding lessons.

I don’t think of Halloween as scary, but it is always weird for me. Years ago I had ordered a water bed – a big plastic bag of rolling waves to sleep on because that is what my hips and shoulders craved. A couple of weeks went by and the store finally called me on the 31st (of October) to say that they would be delivering it. I let my neighbor have my futon and cleared my bedroom for the arrival of comfort.

At 9:00 PM an unmarked van with three middle eastern men arrived with my bed. I lived by myself with one small dog. I took a deep breath and let them in with the bed parts, making sure that I saw the bed first! They were apologetic about the hour and then even more so when we discovered that the frame boards were too long! Okay… I took the boards to the garage after marking the lengths and sawed them shorter myself.

The young men were friendly and got the heat mat down then the water “mattress” and I brought the hose in to fill it. They kept everything smooth as the mattress wiggled and expanded like some living thing. Over an hour had passed. I made hot Chai tea and shared it. Laughed with them as I realized I would be sleeping on ice cold water because the heater couldn’t warm it enough until 24 hours had passed.

After they left, I put comforters and blankets under me, a bedspread over me and tried to fall asleep. It was a hopeless, chilled, 6 hours of being tossed side to side in nausea inducing effort to find a warmed spot. The next night was brilliant and made it all worthwhile – but the first night had me wondering if I had lost all of my marbles.

The next year, also on Halloween, I had a man come to install cable TV at that house. He looked things over and proclaimed that he was not allowed to go underneath the house to take the cable across the width of it. Crikey, I told him I would do it and he left the cable line and the connectors with me then drove away! That afternoon, after drilling holes through the floor, I crawled under the house, bringing my little dog with me (I thought of it like the Doctor with K9) so I wouldn’t panic as I pulled my body along with my elbows dragging the cable line. I pushed it up through the floor then, inside, cut it to length and attached the connectors (I grew up with ham radio and am a technician).

The next week the man came and connected the line to the pole. When I got my first bill with a charge for “installation”, an assertive phone call got that charge removed promptly!

A few years back I was staying with my mother in the hospital, waiting for her to be discharged after several days. At 9:00 PM on Halloween… the paperwork came through. I do not understand it, but, I am no longer surprised by much, especially in October!

This was a day of shifting perspectives at Dharmahorse! I had gone to bed last night fighting this injured neck with 1,000 mgs of aspirin followed by Indian food, later cayenne capsules with a cup (couldn’t find wine glasses…) of wine and at the end, 2 Benedryls to assure sleep! I had run the gamut with herbs and homeopathics and still was waking up to the kind of pain that made me scream out! My awesome students and families helped with everything today including the lessons and we made it through a long day!

I met the step father of a student who said, “how incredible that you can wake up to this beautiful mountain and beautiful horses every morning!”… it made me think. A lot! About the hard road to get to this little sanctuary… about the peeps who surround me and the love we all share. I felt beyond grateful today.

Some of my pain lately is from actual injury, some, I know, is emotional. Getting my Mum through her situation and into a healing space was stressful! So worth all the effort, but difficult none the less. I’m deeply in love with a person I have not heard from in over 2 weeks. I know he is facing his own situations and all I can do is hold the form for our relationship in my heart and believe in us until I do hear from him. I just hope he is okay, that he has peace. It is the first time in my life that I have felt such fascination with someone.

So, I had supper with a friend at a cafe’, had a long visit tonight with my brother and told him about the day. One student had her mare fall, nose dive, into the soft footing when the wretched goathead plants tripped her! Student did a proper sort of flip onto her buttocks, landing in a mass of dry stickers. The mare was fine, too, with dirt pushed up her nostrils and scuffed, but unharmed knees. Another student had her own foot trod upon, but not harmed, by our gelding, Majic. I tried some naproxen sodium for my pain and it made me a bit spacey but actually helped. This neck has brought me to point of using allopathy! After the acupuncture two days ago, I was feeling better so ended up lifting 2 railroad ties back onto the arena drag, unloaded several 100 pound bales of hay and carried a wooden pallet… oops.

The horses had a really fine day today with turn outs, grooming, riding, therapy and lots of loving. As I prepare for bed tonight, I think about how this herd touches so many lives. People from devastating situations find comfort with these horses. People looking for creative expression or excitement or even physical therapy find it here. I’m so proud to be the captain of this ship.

And a parent who works with youth at risk (as I did in EAP years back) spoke of being “in charge” rather than “in control” and I just really like that! To control seems to require force in one form or another; in charge implies being respected and looked up to. I do like that! The one seems ego based and the other denotes responsibility.

So, I don’t want to control anyone’s life. I like being in charge of my stable yard – the steward of good health and goodwill for these animals and the people who interact with us here. If I can find relaxation for myself once again and build back strength rather than just power through situations, I think life will flow smoothly again. We can all benefit from a moment to breathe and to find perspective. I will take some Vitamin C tonight. I need hay so I will get smaller bales on Monday to avoid stressing physically. I will meditate and visualize those I love in healthy, calm and noble spaces. It’s the best I can do right now.

It is difficult to describe properly, that sense of connection that is often instant and deeply personal. We aim to find it with our horses in the stable and under saddle. We hold that hope in our hearts to find it with another human. It is relatively easy to enter into with our dogs!

I thought a lot about rapport today as a sweet, elderly dog stayed in the room with me while I lay on the table, covered in acupuncture needles. His gentle presence was a part of the healing experience as well as the needles, the bio mat beneath me and the electromagnetic pulses… he was the mentor sitting with me for a couple of hours as my neck released the pain it has carried.

It is always a profound honor to find yourself trusted by an animal. Even more so than by another human because the animals are not swayed by our words or actions; they see our hearts clearly.

That space we can find with a horse where he feels or reads our thoughts and is responding to them effortlessly cannot be forced. To hug a horse is beyond satisfying, to be hugged by a horse is intoxicating. There are systems that distance the human from the horse – he must “respect our space”, respect our boundaries… and some of them aggressively create a pocket of charged disapproval of any attempt at connection. Horses are smart. They figure us out. I would rather have my horse feel comfortable near me and back off if I tell him to do so rather than fear repercussions of a misstep.

I think that we need to also know that sometimes, a horse may not resonate with us personally. I have known students with horses whose personalities were mismatched but who found perfect new partners for their equines and themselves. There is nothing wrong with that. We don’t all fall in love with the same person, drive the same car, eat the same cupcakes – we can take our time finding an equine partner that fits us as we fit him or her. It is about the relationship, not about the breed, color, length of tail or size of the head.

When you feel that spark of recognition, of rapport and delight with another being, open yourself up to it and explore what possibilities exist for the pairing. I am able to adore all of my horses, but I have a deeply personal, uncanny knowing and sweet rapport with one especially and I won’t say who it is.

It is amazing that we can love so clearly when we step away from the constraints others attempt to place upon us. Even in competition, don’t let your wise knowledge of your own horse become muddied by the opinions of others. It is so much fun to love and be loved! And that has to be based upon the very personal rapport.

So, I warned ya – I’m writing because the weather has put me indoors. My Mother and Brother are not here much and I’m not in contact with my peeps much right now. It has been a very odd time for me. I will be glad to get into October – it feels like it holds possibilities for me. And the first weekend will be the southern new mexico state fair. I like to go to it when I can to see the goats and sheep and chickens (chooks!) and to ride something scary at the carnival. You see, I am afraid of heights. Really afraid.

And, in a similar effort to face this, years ago, I climbed the Vacuum Tower Telescope at Sunspot, New Mexico – just a few hours drive from my home here.

I went for Halloween to Sunspot with a group of friends. We were close to the woman who ran the facility back then and we stayed at her home there. They had a party that night with the astronomers and scientists. I dressed as a biker chick (easy costume for me) and danced all night with an astronomer from the Netherlands dressed as a punk rocker (and I don’t think it was a stretch for him, either). We had so much fun. In the morning, our friend took us past the barriers into the works of the giant solar telescope. Towering 350 feet from the ground and another 100 feet into the earth, it watches the sun and a video was always going in the lobby.

We started up the catwalk style steps with one rail that spiraled up the inside edge of the tower walls (which leaned inward slightly!). I nearly fainted as I looked up. But, I was NOT going to opt out of the experience. A friend helped me get started by holding her hand on the wall, “look at my hand, just follow my hand,” she got me started as I hyperventilated.

I did it. We got to the top that opened out onto a platform, then we looked down (mistake for Katharine). We could see straight down to the bottom below the ground level. Crikey. I froze for a bit.

But, my good friend put her hand on the wall, “look at my hand, follow my hand”, we started down and she got me going. Now, when I have to go up (and worse, down) a ladder or stand on a precipice, I say my mantra (out loud), “I climbed the vacuum tower telescope” over and over…

At the ground level, we were allowed to look through the (heavily filtered!) eyepiece… EYEPIECE – I found that just as frightening and chose my least strong eye and wore my sunglasses… but I did it (I wouldn’t now).

So, at the fair weekend after this, I will climb onto some strange ride and recite to myself that I climbed the telescope and find a piece of courage to make me feel good for awhile.

…if you sit this one out. I have been writing a lot lately because of the rains! Saturday we were able to do lessons and yesterday (Monday!) some area peeps received OVER 6 inches of rain! I am actually excited about what this means for our mountain, our water table, our river and this beautiful desert. I am also feeling slightly frantic with the inability to tackle the weeds (it is too wet right now, they just bend). My Mum is in a great facility and getting stronger every day. My brother is with her before and after work and I only see him in the late evenings. Quite a sudden change from having the whole family living in my house for 7 weeks and all the regular lessons moved to the weekends so I could be constantly with my Mother!

And with the saturation level here, I have to keep postponing lessons. This sort of situation will put you in either a meditative, get things done mood or a cabin fevered, where is that emergency cigarette frame of mind. I am choosing the former…. for now 😉

I quit smoking decades ago, but in high stress moments, the thought still crosses my mind. I started smoking because of my College. Seriously. I went to college at age 15, did not do high school. It was a Baptist Junior College (I have always been a Buddhist) in southern Virginia. I was pre-Veterinary, going to go to VPI in Blacksburg… I would have been a young Veterinarian! But I ended up in Florida later riding colts off the track for a H/J barn…

Anyway, at that college, the “Men are allowed to use tobacco on campus; the girls are forbidden to use tobacco on campus” that was exactly the wording. It was 1970/71 and, being me, I immediately started smoking. Crikey. It took several attempts in later life to quit, but I did and on the monthly anniversary of quitting, I always bought myself a crystal or cool stone with the money I would have spent on cigarettes. I have some awesome stones.

And really, I will never smoke again… I eat apples when I feel edgy and still do Rescue Remedy (which helped me quit way back). But the memory of smoking is ready to pop up anytime. And old songs I love(d) hit me with “the yellow-fingered smokey girl is looking up at me”, “smoked your 27th cigarette”, on and on.

And realistically, it was a coping “skill” for me during a difficult youth. A better choice than the 24 hour vodka stupor my father chose! So, today I write while clouds build again on the mountain – Arrgghhhh! I start reorganizing the house (I have high hopes that someday the person I love will come be with me, or I will travel to him) and reorganizing my thoughts. I’m able to turn horses out in calm pairings – hoping that no one goes galloping around too fast and furious! It is slick out there.

The dogs sleep on the sofa – it is what they do best. I have some organic peppers to roast in the oven; some skin balm I need to make; fly repellent to make; students to call to postpone lessons and a house to clean! I’ll start supper (tea) in the crock pot… something to go with the sweet red wine a friend gave me.

And, if it just keeps raining, I’ll just keep writing. You have been warned 😉

Amazing how emotions can fluctuate – the flooding has ended and we are all (horses, dogs and humans) looking through new eyes. As the sun lifts up from behind the mountain, the plants practically sparkle and our normal routine at Dharmahorse clicks back into place.

I think it is the routine of things that comforts us all. And the adventures inspire us 🙂