I’m so often caught between the joy of saving a life and the despair of losing one. Last month, within 2 days’ time, we had to euthanize and bury a beloved blind mare, well in her 30’s, who we had rescued from being dumped in the desert, starving. She lived 4 joy filled years with us. And we had another, Navajo Nations mare, also in her 30’s, colic from sand that builds up in her gut. This mare was saved by our amazing Vet who was able to run a nasogastric tube and release the hard packed “loaf” in her large intestine… I was afraid she could not be “tubed” because she has a large thyroid adenoma. Dr. Heather saved her.
And while these couple of days brought conflicting emotions (to all of us), I held our Vet, my friend, in love and gratitude, thinking about how her profession affects her. She understands my Herbal Horsemanship and we discuss what my medicines can do and what her medicines can do. Together, we have saved many horses here. We also lose some. That is a fact of Sanctuary, especially with such elderly and special needs residents. And that is a fact of the Veterinary profession.
Compassion fatigue definitions vary, but it boils down to feeling worn down by caring for others. How it expresses itself varies from feeling indifferent to the needs of others who are suffering (I have never felt that), to emotional disconnect and physical weariness. I admit, I can feel that. But, in this realm, it has to be short lived, dozens of other horses depend on me. It can even be expressed by “taking on the emotional or physical suffering of another”. Oh, yes… we empaths do that.
A lot of people raise horses, keeping them healthy (emotionally as well as physically) and we have a few here like that. The majority, though, I feel like I hold together with duct tape and Homeopathy! But my life has not just been “caregiver to equines”, I saw my Mum through heart failure, caring for her for over 3 years. I took care of a friend and her farm for 2 years… both up until they passed over. I am caregiver to my brother after his hemorrhagic stroke, which left him unable to walk, talk or see. Now, 9 years later, he can jog, talk and see. I spent 7 months with my teenage stepdaughter, seeing her through a pregnancy when everyone else turned their backs on her. I have saved so many dogs, even living in a shower stall with a Parvo puppy for 10 days… I Vet Teched in my youth and saw how hard it could be on the Vets, day in, day out, caring for clients’ animals and sometimes getting anger in return from devastated owners.
And especially with horses, the “things that can go wrong” run the gamut! While they seem so strong because they are large, their bodies are complex and often puzzling. They are fragile in ways that can creep up and surprise you! Proactive, preventative care is the only way a Sanctuary can run and keep horses (and mules) thriving. And we are not immune from the rage of people who become attached to a horse here. We’ve had helpers who broke down and verbally attacked me over the decision to euthanize a suffering horse or even over the simple decision to move a horse… and I understand their despair or their disappointment. Yet, I’m hurting, too. I make decisions in the best interests of the animals (or, when there is time, the Board of Directors makes the decision). It is actually a privilege to care for these equines and be around them and the majority of those involved here feel that way, too.
Compassion. It is vital. We need to have it for all animals and each other. Some days close with exhilaration and satisfaction (most do!). Some days close with deep, wounding pain and loss (thank goodness, few and far between). Every day has purpose here. When I feel overwhelmed or sad, I do tend to stuff it down deep, as if I might deal with it later… and I can feel the weight of this tactic in my bones. But I wouldn’t want to live any other life. I could learn to take better care of myself… I could find ways to add other “interests” to my life. But that’s not me. Single-minded, sometimes stubborn, always willing to accept help but always wanting to be self-sufficient, I am a horsewoman, a stablewoman. And compassion is my focus.
Stablewomen 